On husbands and jobs

I ask when did men's jobs become so fucking sacred?

In my new role as stay-at-home mom in a foreign country, I attend playgroups. As a working mom in the States, I neither had the time nor felt the need for them. The two boys got their social interactions at daycare. I had both family and friends in close reach and so didn't feel a need to reach out to other mothers for support. I wasn't disdainful in a "mommy wars"* sort of way, just uninterested due to circumstances.

Here, at playgroup, we are by definition some form of Company Wife.* Some are oil wives, some are embassy wives, others are Big Pharma and roving engineer wives (though of late the last two groups have been shuffling out as head-of-nation seems to have stopped paying bills for railways and aqueducts.)

At the most recent gathering, while discussing length of stays here I mentioned that I've decided I'm finishing out the 2-year contract that is up next year and then I'm going back to a hundred year old house with a backyard, my own car, and hopefully, eventually a job as mentally rewarding as my last. My husband was told he can make whatever career choice he wants but I and the kids are going home. To which another woman replied "Can he?"

Dialogue went something like this "Can he say no to another posting?"
"Of course, he can. They ALL can."
"Well yes, of course he can, but does that mean he'll be shunted off to some rinky dink office somewhere. I mean can he say no and still be someone in the company?"
"Ummmm yes, of course he can do something else."

I was then completely shocked to find that this woman had worked with a rival company of her husband's. But at some point in the last decade they decided his ladder was the higher one and kicked hers from out beneath her. Out of the workforce for almost 10 years, she stands no chance of being hired either by her former company or even the industry. At least not in anything even approaching her former level of expertise.

And suddenly it was crystal clear. My months of raging, ranting, screaming, disdain for everything here, overall psychoticness came down to this, I never want to be her.

In my line of work, I'll never make anything approaching my husband's current income, much less his potential income. "Just one more assignment" and we can go full blast on that housing renovation that our growing family is forcing us to consider. A few more assignments and we have everyone's colleges covered.

I understand how it happens.

And yes, yes, I fully recognize there are those who want to devote themselves entirely to the business of child-rearing but I dare say for many, if not most, who have "opted-out" its based on what was "best for the family" as defined by the dollar. Most of those making that opt-out decision are women and currently it makes me want to spit.

( Anyone interested in the idea of "equal-parenting" should check out a recent cover article of the New York Times magazine. I"ll try to find the link.)

Footnotes:
*Mommy wars-referring to the much written about, (and I think mostly false) hostile divide between mothers who choose to stay at home and mothers who choose to work outside of the home.

*It's only fair to note that there a handful (ok they make up less than a hand) of Company Husbands. But of the ones I've met here, none of them are career ex-pat husbands (i.e. committed to supporting their wife's career for her entire professional life) and are only jobless now for unique reasons.

Tallulah.....Wife of M

First, a few ground rules. Sadly, my real name isn't Tallulah but henceforth it's how I will be known in order to preserve my husband's and children's nonGoogleabilty status. Should their own accomplishments and infamies get them listed, fine. But they won't be searchable on account of my rantings.


I was formerly Tallulah, wife, mother, reporter, friend, traveler, reader, frustrated writer. I'm now Tallulah, my job is Wife, and my social space is most easily identified as Wife of M. We(enlightened couples always speak in We form) accepted an overseas assignment and we are now a Company Family. I'm a Company wife, who owing to her refusal to change her last name must often sign off as "Tallulah (wife of M ).


Here's how it works. I send e-mail to maintenance company to alert of termite infestation and when I sign off I sign "Regards, Tallulah, (wife of M)" so that said maintenance company can properly locate me within their context. But it goes beyond the maintenance company.

Invitations to periodic, company-sponsored "spouse appreciation" luncheons often say to Tallulah (M.) Depending on my state that day, I've alternately railed/laughed at the parentheses. Of course, it's technically a clerical issue, so that the poor mail guy knows in which office to drop off the invite. But as I write this it occurs to me that by taking new last names, wives are really just saving everyone else ink, kindly eliminating the need for parentheses. Perhaps most wives aren't so uniquely bombarded with reminders that their meta-physical space is now defined in relation to another but from this distance it all looks the same to me.

Interesting, I had no idea this first posting would lead to that mental conclusion.